Why We Always Want What Other People HAVE.
You Don't Actually Want
What They Have.
You want how it makes you feel. And that changes everything. A data-backed breakdown of the psychology that is quietly running your life — by someone living it too.
↓ scroll to understand yourself betterYour brain was built to compare. Literally.
Before you judge yourself for feeling jealous or inadequate — understand this one thing. Comparison is not a character flaw. It is evolution.
Thousands of years ago humans lived in small tribes. Your survival depended on your position in that group. If others had more food, better tools, stronger alliances — and you did not — you were genuinely at risk. Your brain learned to constantly scan — who has what, where do I stand, am I falling behind?
That ancient mechanism saved human lives for 100,000 years. The problem? That same brain is now scrolling Instagram in 2025. And it cannot tell the difference between a rival tribesman with a better spear — and your friend's LinkedIn promotion post.
Leon Festinger's Social Comparison Theory — 1954
Psychologist Leon Festinger proved that humans have a fundamental drive to evaluate themselves by comparing to others. Crucially — we compare most with people similar to us. Not billionaires. Not celebrities. Our school friends. Our cousins. The people who started from the same place.
"You are running a 100,000-year-old survival program in a world it was never designed for. That is not weakness. That is just being human in the wrong era."
Social media did not create comparison. It just gave it steroids. π
Your brain was already comparing before Instagram existed. Social media just turned the volume up to maximum — all day, every day, in your pocket.
The Highlight Reel Problem
Every post you see is curated, filtered, and edited. Nobody posts the 3 AM anxiety, the rejection, the debt. Your full unedited life vs their best moments. That comparison is rigged from the start.
Here is what the research actually shows about what happens when you scroll:
The Algorithm is Not Your Friend
The apps are specifically designed to maximise your FOMO — Fear of Missing Out. Your anxiety about being left behind keeps you scrolling. And the scroll is the product. They are literally making money from your dissatisfaction. Research from Frontiers in Psychology 2025 confirms that both the exposure to and extremity of upward social comparisons significantly affect self-esteem and depressive symptoms.
You don't want the thing. You want the feeling. π€―
This is the one that changes everything when it clicks.
When you see someone driving a luxury car — do you actually want that car? Or do you want what you imagine it feels like? The confidence. The freedom. The feeling of people looking at you differently.
π What you think you want
- π The expensive car
- πΌ The impressive job title
- π The dream apartment
- πͺ The perfect body
- ❤️ The relationship goals
- π° The salary reveal number
π‘ What you actually want
- ✨ Admiration and respect
- π Validation from others
- π️ Freedom and security
- π« Confidence in yourself
- π« Feeling chosen and loved
- π Feeling like you made it
Ravi's Personal Take π
From Mali LoΕ‘inj, CroatiaWhen I moved to Croatia — I thought I wanted the experience of living abroad. The adventure. The travel story. But honestly? What I actually wanted was to feel like I was brave enough to do something most people only talk about. I wanted that specific feeling of self-respect that comes from choosing yourself even when it is terrifying. The island was almost secondary. Once I understood that — everything made more sense. Including why even on a beautiful Croatian island I sometimes still felt like something was missing. Because feelings don't come from locations. They come from inside.
The Practical Shift
When you identify the feeling you are actually chasing — you can sometimes find a more direct, accessible path to it. You don't need the car to feel respected. You don't need the title to feel validated. Understanding the real want gives you more options, not fewer.
Envy vs Aspiration — there is a difference and it matters π₯
Not all comparison is toxic. Let us be clear about that.
⬆️ Aspiration
- Pulls you forward toward something
- Their success feels like proof it is possible
- You feel inspired and motivated
- Makes you want to build and grow
- Energising even when uncomfortable
π» Toxic Envy
- Pulls you inward and makes you bitter
- Their success feels like your failure
- You feel resentful and angry
- Makes you want to shrink or hide
- Draining and leaves you worse off
Same LinkedIn post. Same person's success. One reader gets fired up. Another reader spirals. The difference is not in what they saw. It is in their relationship to what they saw.
And here is the dangerous part. There is a specific moment where admiration flips into self-hatred. You see their life and think — that should be me. Why not me. What is wrong with me.
That question — what is wrong with me — that is where it crosses the line. If comparison regularly brings you to that question — that is not normal motivation anymore. That is your mental health asking for attention.
Why we lose our minds over exclusive things π
Quick psychology fact — we want things more when they are rare or exclusive. This is called the Scarcity Effect. And luxury brands have been exploiting it for a very long time.
Luxury brands are not selling products
They are selling identity. They are selling the feeling of being in a group that not everyone gets into. The waiting list is not logistics — it is marketing. Scarcity makes the brain associate the object with high status. And high status to your ancient tribal brain means survival advantage.
Trends and fashion work the same way. Following trends is not just about aesthetics — it is about belonging. About signalling — I am one of you. I fit here. Not following creates the opposite signal. And that feeling of being left out — for a brain wired to survive in tribes — is genuinely uncomfortable, not just socially awkward.
Why getting what you wanted feels... underwhelming πΆ
Something I actually experienced
Ravi BhardwajWhen I first landed in Croatia — actually made the move I had been thinking about — I expected to feel amazing. Like something had clicked into place permanently. For about three days I did feel that. Then I felt normal. Then I started thinking about the next thing. And I genuinely did not understand what had happened. I had done the thing. Why did it not feel the way I imagined?
This has a proper scientific name. Hedonic Adaptation.
Something great happens
Promotion, new phone, dream move, relationship milestone. Happiness spikes significantly above your baseline.
The new normal begins
The excitement starts fading. The thing that was extraordinary is slowly becoming just... your life.
Back to baseline
Your brain has fully adapted. The promotion is just your job now. The apartment is just where you live. And you start noticing the next gap.
The goalposts move
Satisfaction = dangerous for a survival brain. A satisfied animal stops seeking. So your brain resists full satisfaction. It keeps moving the finish line. Every single time.
Research confirms this
Studies on lottery winners show they return to their happiness baseline within one year of winning. Studies on people who became paralysed show the same — they return to their baseline within a year. The brain adapts to both extraordinary good and extraordinary bad. Understanding this stops you thinking something is fundamentally broken when the excitement fades.
They installed this in us before we even understood it πΆ
"Look at Rohit. He got 95%. Why did you only get 82?"
"Look at your cousin. He got into IIT."
"That family just bought a new car."
Growing up in India especially — comparison was not something we discovered on social media. It was already installed. By adults who genuinely cared. Who lived in a competitive society where relative performance actually determined life outcomes.
But the side effect was that many of us grew up with one core belief baked in:
"My worth is relative. I am only as good as how I compare."
That belief follows you everywhere. Into your career. Into your relationships. Into how you talk to yourself on a bad day.
The Cruelest Comparison of All
Comparing your invisible struggles to other people's visible success. Your anxiety, your family pressure, your financial stress, your self-doubt — things nobody can see — versus their LinkedIn post, their vacation photo, their confident public face. Your chapter 7 to their chapter 20. You cannot win that comparison. It is not even the same game.
I live this contradiction every day
Ravi Bhardwaj · CroatiaFrom the outside — Indian chef living on a Croatian island. Sounds like an adventure. People compare their life to that image. What they don't see is the months with no days off. The employer who exploited the situation. The evenings of missing home so badly it physically hurts. The loneliness of being on a tiny island with almost no other Indians around. I don't post that every day. So people see a highlight and compare their full story to my edited one. We are all doing this to each other. All the time. Unknowingly.
Okay but how do you actually deal with this π±
Not motivational quotes. Not "just be grateful bro." Actual practical things backed by what works.
Gratitude — but specific, not generic
Not "I am grateful for everything." Find one genuinely specific real thing right now and hold it for 10 seconds. Research consistently shows specific gratitude is significantly more effective than general gratitude at interrupting negative thought spirals.
Know your triggers and limit them honestly
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that limiting social media to 30 minutes per day significantly decreased loneliness and depression in participants within three weeks. Certain accounts make you feel worse every time. Mute them. No explanation needed.
Define YOUR version of success — actually yours
Most of us are chasing a definition of success we never consciously chose. We absorbed it. When your version of success is genuinely yours — comparison loses most of its power. You are no longer running the same race as everyone else.
Make the comparison conscious
The moment you notice — "oh interesting, I am comparing right now, what am I actually afraid of underneath this?" — conscious comparison immediately loses half its power. You cannot control the feeling arising. You can control what you do with the next ten seconds.
Protect your low-energy hours
You would not drive on a highway in a blizzard with zero visibility. Do not scroll at midnight when you are emotionally depleted. Your brain in a tired, stressed state is significantly more vulnerable to comparison spirals. Protect those hours specifically.
The only life you can actually live is yours. π
I moved to Croatia alone. No plan B. No contacts. Just my chef skills and a decision to bet on myself.
From outside — brave. Adventure. Main character energy.
From inside — terrifying. Lonely. Survival mode dressed up as a story.
And somewhere between the difficult shifts and the missing home and the watching everyone else's lives through a screen — I figured out something small but real.
"The psychology of wanting what others have will never fully go away. It is ancient. It is wired in. But understanding it gives you one thing that changes everything — a choice. To notice the spiral. To ask whether this comparison is pulling you toward something you actually want, or pulling you away from the life you are already living."
That question. Asked honestly. Regularly. That is the whole practice. π±
— Ravi Bhardwaj, writing from a small island in Croatia where the sea is always there reminding me that some things are just enough as they are. π
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